ok, so i know my 3rd year anniversary was nov 2007, but needless to say, i have been busy LoL so here is a truncated version of my life thus far:

Life in Hawaii has been an amazing adventure! It’s been about 3.5 years since I left California, and a lot has happened. For nearly the last 2.5 years, I have been working as a teen substance abuse treatment counselor. I help adolescents who are struggling with alcohol & other drug use. I am currently working on my certification. Hopefully come winter 2009, I will be a CSAC (Certified Substance Abuse Treatment Counselor).

My life (in a nutshell) has been nothing short of surprising and filled with a many joys. I am living on my own in an apartment with two small dogs. I have also established a small business. I call it “Moonlit Mystery Studios” (what else would i call it LoL). I provide business management services to my best friend. I help him run his tattoo business, and I am band manager to his traditional Hawaiian band. I have been working on a fantasy novel for the last few years, along with a few more poems & articles that I hope to get published.

i also went on stage for the first time since Oct 2005. i performed a spoken word piece for a contest. it was exhilarating! i plan to go back on stage maybe in july or august.

I have faced some recent health problems over the last several years: endometrial hyperplasia (an overgrowth of the uterine lining, which is precancerous), endometrioma (an endometrial cyst on one of my ovaries), borderline blood pressure, my weight, etc. I have been working hard to naturally heal my body, and it has already shown some dramatic results. I have lost almost 40 lbs & plan to lose more. My blood pressure is healthy. I feel better (mind, body, & spirit). I have drastically changed my lifestyle (mainly diet & exercise). In time, I hope to cure myself of the reproductive problems I have been having. My recent biopsies & test results show that things are much better! Hopefully one day, good health & the heavens will bless me with the ability to have children.

I have had the opportunity to build a steel guitar with some of the teens that we work with. in the process, i have had the great pleasure of working with Bobby Ingano, legendary hawaiian steel guitar player. (which btw, i got him to play with the band a couple of times! i simply mustered up the courage to ask, and he said yes!!)

Now, I’m getting ready to go home for vacation in june. I can’t wait to see the family! The last time I saw everyone together was during my sister’s wedding, October 2007. My mom surprised me with a visit this passed November 2008. That was a great and much needed surprise!

One of my goals this year is to write more. Sadly, i have not written nearly as much as i should be… as a writer by nature & identity, that’s just downright disappointing, but i plan to change that! so look forward to more posts

Mahalo for sharing in a piece of me,
Moonlit Mystery

Wow, I have survived another year on this tiny volcanic rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Actually, not only did I survive, I have thrived! I have found my niche, began a real life. I have sweat, bled, cried, laughed, despaired, hoped, and dreamed more in this second year on O`ahu, Hawai`i, than in my entire life put together. Last year at this time, my life had completely shattered 3 times during my first year living my dream.

Since then…well…let’s see. I have had lessons in humility and gratitude. My entire life, I have taken for granted how privileged I was growing up. My parents weren’t super rich or anything, but we were very well taken care of. My sister and I had a live-in nanny until I was 13. my mother did practically everything for me, which included filling out the necessary forms to apply for college. There was not a holiday season where we were left wanting (except the first Christmas without my dad in the house). We always had our entire family, tables overflowing with an abundance of food, and lots of presents. The typical holiday season that the average person takes for granted.

This is where my lessons in humility and gratitude come in. Last year’s thanksgiving and Christmas were nothing like what I was accustomed to. It was a very humble holiday season, indeed. We had no thanksgiving meal. In fact, we had eggs, spam, and rice,which my friend was quick to remind me that it was a feast compared to the years he spent homeless on the beach. I have always volunteered for shelters during thanksgiving and Christmas, but I never truly understood what the people went through during the holiday season, and I still don’t… but at least I have a roof over my head (thanks to my friend who had taken me after I was kicked out of where I was living), food on the table, and the meager two-person family I had begun to create with my [now] best friend.

My 2nd Christmas here was much the same way. No Christmas tree, no presents, no Christmas morning. Just my best friend and me in his one bedroom apartment. The beautiful thing about Hawaii is the aloha; although I did not have the typical holiday season I was accustomed to, I did have a humble Hawaiian season. Christmas day, (after I got to see my family during Christmas lunch at one of my auntie’s houses via webcam) I spend it at my best friend’s kumu hula’s house. (A kumu hula is a hula teacher). Here, halau’s (the hula studio/class) often become like family, and sure enough, they took me in as family.

By this time, I had unofficially become the band’s manager. My best friend had kept the band, Keauwena, alive with just himself on ukulele and one guitar player. Picking up an old friend as the bass player, my best friend began to let me help organize the business for his traditional Hawaiian band. I slowly became the contact person for gigs and an amateur sound technician. As a band, we had the privilege of playing for my best friend’s halau, several bars, private parties, alongside famous musicians, and for important political figures… but anyway… New year’s was awesome! I spend the first half of new year’s in the town of Kaneohe, listening to the band play traditional Hawaiian music, chowin down on some serious grinds (good food), and popping fire works. The second half of new years, I got to spend in the country, with some of my best friend’s family. Now, that is a new years celebration. Waiahole. What a place! The neighbors had all gotten together to build an outdoor bar just for new year’s. illegal fireworks were flying up into the air. Homemade fireworks/pipe bombs were going off. The sky lit up like a sunny, late afternoon.

Now, between thanksgiving and Christmas, I had found a job that I didn’t even know I had been looking for. I got hired by the YMCA as an adolescent substance abuse treatment counselor. Placed at a middle school, I took the challenge of creating a program in a town I knew nothing about. As it came to be, the town turned out to be on the “other side of the train tracks.� Most of the kids there don’t have both parents in the picture, lack supervision and structure, and spend most of the time hanging out with their friends out on the street, instead of in a safe, secure, supervised home environment. It is also a town that I now love. I have fallen in love with my job, this town, and the school. It took a lot of blood, sweat, and tears to get to where I am now, but it was all worth it. It’s definitely a job for love and not for money.

It’s not easy…living in paradise with a job that barely makes ends meet. In fact, living on your own, the pay for this job alone is not sufficient to sustain a decent lifestyle. I learned that the hard way. I had a hard time coping with the stress I was going through during the holiday season, coupled with everything I had survived my first year living on O`ahu. My friendship with my best friend had begun to suffer. We started drifting apart. Now, I know that I suffer from abandonment issues, which stems from my childhood…so when we started to drift apart…I started making it worse. I started acting on those fears of abandonment. It was a lot of stress to go through, and it started manifesting itself physically. I started getting sick a lot. In fact, I had developed a case of “walking� pneumonia. An x-ray showed a dark cloud in the right-upper lobe of my lungs. I was out for three weeks.

During this time, I was officially voted as band manager by the guys (another job for love and not money), and I had a major falling out with my best friend. I believe that my experience with my ex-hanai sister helped me through this ordeal. To me, it was nothing. I saw nothing wrong with what had happened; my best friend, on the other hand, felt utterly betrayed. He was hurt because of something I did. Instead of telling him that he was stupid for feeling that way about something I saw as trivial, I realized that I had to respect his feelings. And because it was important to him, it became important to me. He ended up kicking me out of his apartment, which led me to the most fabulous studio overlooking Waikiki. Ironically, this incident spurred him to hire me as his business manager. I don’t think it was because of anything I did. He wasn’t even sure why he did. He just knew he had to. In retrospect, it’s quite funny actually.

In the midst of a very heated argument, he offered me the position. In the middle of all this, i also learned the importance of letting go of material things. I had over $2000 worth of “valuables� stolen. It was very hard to get over, considering that it was someone I knew and trusted by association. As you can see, January/February was a very busy time. LoL

My best friend believed that I would never learn the true value of life if I never stepped out into the world on my own two legs. I definitely made great strides in independence when I moved 2500 miles across the ocean, but i had always lived with people and depended on them for a place to live. The falling out with my best friend was one of the best things that could have ever happened to me (and him). I was forced to survive on my own. I was forced to look for a place to live. I was forced to find a way to make ends meet, which I believe may have been part of the reason why he also hired me for a position he needed filled. It also made us a lot closer. We became best friends who survived. Survived mutual hurts, betrayals, angry words, and bitter moments. We became business partners trying to solidify his business. We developed a fully symbiotic relationship. Neither one was dependent on the other. Each one of us brought crucial elements to the “relationship.�

It was something that got me through the trial of truly living on my own for the first time. Spending nights alone in my studio, watching the lights of Waikiki twinkle below me…watching the moon traverse the night sky…watching CSI on Spike TV…living in Waikiki was one of the most incredible experiences. I lived two blocks from the Hilton Hawaiian Village, where Jerry Santos & varying members of Olomana played Friday and Saturday nights. I could walk down Waikiki beach or Waikiki strip any day of the week and hear live music! I could walk down to Kapiolani Park when the band used to practice there. In my studio, I was forced to face my loneliness. Forced to face my need for having someone around. I admit, I cried some nights, but in the end, a small part of me didn’t want to leave my studio when I went into escrow for a house.

YUP! You read that right!!!
Can you believe it???? I am one step away from owning my own home! That was definitely worth leaving my fabulous little studio in Waikiki. I got the master bedroom, of course. LoL it’s beautiful, u know. My house. I am so proud of the chance that I took.

I practically own my own home, I am the manager/sound tech of a Hawaiian band, the business manager for a thriving “art & design� business, a counselor to at-risk adolescents, and as icing on the cake, I have a very small handful of friends that I can truly call friends. I am now close to a few of my coworkers. Three of us together are considered the 3 muskateers (but that may be just amongst ourselves) and the fourth is an awesome pinay-looking tita (tih-tah: a headstrong local girl) who loves to karaoke.

It was funny when I realized I had friends. It was my 27th birthday. We were at Dave & Buster’s. My friends decided they wanted to buy me a few drinks, since I rarely drink and when I do it’s sparingly (yes, my habits have greatly changed LoL). I was feeling pretty good, and I said, “you know guys, this may sound weird, but, wow! I have friends! For the first time in a long time, I feel like I have friends.� I was tipsy enough to remember what I said, but too far gone to see the expression on my best friend’s face. they said he had this look on this face that just said, “well what the hell am I then?� LMAO sorry! Didn’t mean it that way! LoL

Health wise, I could be better. Well, soon, I should be finding out the results of my biopsy. Three months ago, I was diagnosed with endometrial hyperplasia-an overgrowth of the uterine lining, which is technically a precancerous condition. Unattended and with time, it can become uterine cancer. I went in to the OBGYN because I had been bleeding heavily for a couple of months; I was afraid that I had another cyst on my ovary. The Gyno decided to take a biopsy of my uterine lining (which meant they had to stick a catheter through my cervix, into my uterus, insert the “sample taker,� and cut a chuck of flesh off my uterus. One word: OUCH! They put me on a two week regimen of medroxyprogesterone for three months, to deplete the lining. Last week, I went for a follow up biopsy…ouch again…and I should be getting the results soon. Hopefully, the hyperplasia is gone.

And now, I am coming to my one year anniversary at work. Our band has gone through some distinct changes, including new band members. Business is doing well. I am alive. I am working on my health. I have truly developed a real life here on O`ahu, and it feels absolutely amazing. Oh! And I got an amazingly kick ass tattoo! It’s not done yet, but it’s pretty big and fucking beautiful.

All in all, life is fantastic! All in all, life is fantastic! oh! and my beautiful sister got married. i now have a brother! woo hoo!

Here are a few poems i came across… they span the range of human emotions. dont try to make sense of them. just sit back and enjoy them for the art that they are.

November 6, 2006

*dedicated to a man who means more to me than anyone will ever know

While sitting under the moonlight,
a slight breeze carried the clouds away,
revealing a breathtaking star-studded sky of black velvet.
That’s when I saw it shining brighter than any I had ever seen:
the most magnificently sparkling Christmas diamond…

waiting for me to make a wish:

I looked at the world around me,
and saw the luxurious homes and extravagant cars,
but these material things felt empty and hollow.
So I looked inside my heart…

Deep within me I found the strength you helped me build.
And in that strength, I found peace.
In that peace I found joy,
And in that joy I found you.

So my Christmas wish is this:

If not for just this moment in time,
I want you, right here beside me,
but most importantly, forever in your heart and mind.
For I am nothing without you, my family.
—-

February 7, 2007

if I could turn back time,
I’d take the hatred out of your eyes.
If I could turn the ocean tide,
I’d bring back the joy we once knew.

It seems like so long ago,
when we were happy and carefree,
when life was filled with laughter
and we enjoyed each other’s company.

Now it’s filled with arguments and spite,
with hardly a spark of hope too see.
The warmth in your eyes has been replaced
with anger, hatred, and animosity.

I just hope the hatred doesn’t last forever,
but when everything I say and do is wrong,
it scares me because I think I’ll never
have a place in your heart to belong…even as a friend
—-

February 8, 2007

Lessons

The most painful thing to learn is to love.
The easiest thing to learn is to hope.
The stupidest thing to do is put the two together,
especially when love is lacking in return
and when there are no grounds for hope.

Even the hope of something as simple as
a solid friendship seems unreasonable.
I could live my life happily never having the love returned
As long as I had a friendship to cherish,
but even that seems to be eluding me.

Am I destined for misery?
I’ve never felt more lost and hopeless than I do now.
And the pain… oh the pain…
How it far exceeds the hopelessness and feeling lost.
—-

it’s amazing the things that are said and done out of anger. do we mean them? with ever fiber of our anger at that moment, yes… do we still mean them once we’ve calmed down? sometimes…

a while back i thought i was gonna start putting personal life blogs that involve anyone else but me on private so that no one else can read them but me…
well let’s just say that i was just given reason to start doing so…
so this is the last of my most personal blogs that involve anyone but me…you also might notice that several entries have disappeared… well, say farewell. they no longer available to the public.

—–
I’ve decided that I need to let go of the emotions that I have developed for him. As deep as they run, they must become inconsequential. I almost want to tell myself that it will never EVER happen…that we will ever remain simply friends, and truthfully, I’d rather have that than nothing at all. This is a realization I came to months ago, but it fell by the wayside as the tug of war that I mentioned in an earlier blog ensued.

I need to keep myself busy enough that I won’t have time to spend with him. That’s what he wants, and so I shall do. It’ll keep the arguments to a minimum, so it should help. I’m thinking of looking into paddling and a different halau. Since he needs me to have my own individual life, I don’t think joining his halau would be a good idea, even though it was his.

So I figure between work, finding a niche in the spoken word realm, my reading and writing (which I might start doing away from the house), making weekly trips to the beach alone, and possibly (in a few months) paddling and hula, we should have no time to see each other, other than [maybe] dinner and sleeping. I just need to get my plan going. This week will be pretty good. Tonight, I went to my company’s Christmas party. Wednesday, I have to take him to hula since his truck is still broken. Thursday, I’m gonna see a play with donna and some of her coworkers (hopefully). Friday, I’ll be checking out a lesbian club. ½ of Saturday, I’ll be training, and I might head out to the beach after I go to the gym. Sunday, we both have Tahi pratice. They are the only activities I have planned…I can’t afford any more. Maybe I need to start finding places to write, like @ starbucks or something.

*sigh* I don’t know. Let’s hope it all works out somehow.
—–
I completely panicked last night when I heard a typhoon hit the Philippines. He hadn’t expected me to when he casually mentioned it. he had no idea where it hit, just that it did. That made me panic even more because that meant it could have been my family. My great grandmother and some great aunties live in Laoag, the very northern tip of the Philippines. I also have relatives in the Manila area and Quezon City.

We found the CNN report with photos…it was so hard to look at because it looked to be the same general area of Quezon City. U couldn’t hold back the tears. I think it was in that moment that he realized how hard it was taking it. the Philippines is in bad shape…the report estimated that 80% of the agricultural livelihood was destroyed: rice, corn, and two other crops were the 4 named as destroyed. The water was also an issue due to contamination. The water in the Philippines is already rationed… and now this. You can see why I panicked. According to my mother, whom I spoke to the next day, our family would not have been affected by typhoon…but how will the rest of the nation fare with 80% of the agricultural staples destroyed?
—–
I keep telling myself that I won’t ask him for advice anymore, but I keep doing it. particularly with the “simpler� things like…if I have to be there by 9, what time should I leave? The question was compounded by the fact that it was for my first day on my new job. At first he suggested, “8, no make that 7:30.�
“7:30!� I balked, “but I don’t have to be there until 9!�
you can imagine the argument that ensued. I realize now that I should have just kept my mouth shut. That was rude and ungrateful of me. I shouldn’t be asking for advice and then slapping it away like that. (A realization I have yet to share with him). I have so many bad habits that I need to break, so many underdeveloped paradigms…
I have come to find that book smarts only get you so far in life. I need to let my capacities for critical thought bleed to other areas of my life…or maybe…do I need to do the opposite? He says that I overanalyze. In my quest to understand and dissect everything that comes before me, am I overdoing it? [to be continued]
—–